The Art of Asking for Help

 The Art of Asking for Help

I’ve always been an “independent woman” (a phrase I’m not too fond of due to its misogynistic undertones, but that’s a conversation for another day). I’m an older sister as well, which speaks for itself.


I always just kind of did things by myself. I was attending doctors/hospital appointments and going on trips to the city on my own for years before I found out that these were some of my friends’ worst fears.


Whilst I applaud myself for my ability to do things on my own and appreciate the benefit that this brings to my life, I have felt that I’ve slipped into “hyper-independence”. Whilst I seldom find this isolating, I’ve come to realise it’s not actually necessary.


The more I speak to and am vulnerable with friends and family, the more I realise I actually have a lot of people in my corner (who want to support me).


This started quite small. I asked my dad for a lift somewhere, or I asked if I could go see my friend when I felt myself spiralling. Not only were people able to help, they were also happy to! I’d always thought that asking for help meant being a burden, but I’m growing to learn that this isn't true!


Recently, I took my first solo flight. I’ve flown before, but people have always been with me, guiding me through the airport. In anticipation of doing this by myself for the first time, I read a few articles, but I also reached out to my friend, who sent me a run-down of how it goes. I called a family member at each stage of the process, and they talked me through everything I needed to do.


I had a few hospital appointments last year and, unable to drive, I’d always gotten the bus to the hospital. I was very taken aback by the amount of friends who, once they learned I’d been doing this, offered to take a day's holiday, drive me there and sit with me through the appointments.


Just yesterday, I locked myself out of my house. Whilst waiting to be rescued, ordinarily I would have taken myself out for the day or gone and sat in a coffee shop. Instead, I called my friend, and she invited me over to wait at her house, gave me the TV remote and offered me dinner.


One of my friends was moving from a city half way up the country to America, and generously offered me some of the things she couldn’t take back with her. I thought for days over how I could get this back with me on the train, until I called my stepbrother (who lived in the same city and made the trip to my town semi-regularly), and asked if he would help. As if it was no trouble at all, he started coordinating this with me.


Its not that these people have suddenly started coming out of the woodworks offering me their time and support, they’ve always been there. I’d just never known to ask. The thought had never even crossed my mind to ask other people for help on things like these, and when it did I never wanted to inconvenience my loved ones (despite the absolute knowledge that I’d be more than happy to help if they were asking me).


So, if you’ve found yourself doing everything on your own, maybe give this a try! Start like I did, with something small from someone very close to you. Like asking a family member for a lift, or for help moving/building something, and just note the reaction. Really feel into how much harder it would have been if you had tried to do this on your own. Note that this doesn’t make you incapable, but demonstrates how much nicer life is when we allow ourselves to be helped by our community who love us.


So much of the world nowadays (despite heightened connectedness via the internet) ignores the value and importance of community. Friendships are so low on the advertised priority list (higher up on this list are things like career and romantic relationships). It's likely you've also been subjected to messaging promoting independence, and shown requiring assistance as a sign of weakness. It is so important for your mental and spiritual wellbeing to remain connected. It keeps you grounded. Even asking for as little as someone to sit with you whilst you complete tasks you find overwhelming (such as doing the dishes) can give your mental health a boost.


‘Asking for help’ is a message a lot of people tend to ignore, thinking it wasn’t meant for them. For some reason, we associate needing ‘help’ with big things; a huge mental health/financial crisis, or someone who’s really struggling with childcare, for example. Help can be the tiniest of things, like a car ride or a shoulder to cry on. Even just having an ear to vent to can help relieve a huge burden.


Give it a try! Let me know who you will be asking for help from, or what activity you could ease just by having some assistance!








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